Everyone has their own crosses to bear. That's a fact. Some people are lucky to find someone that appreciates and understands them enough to try and help them carry their cross. And some people are even luckier, for the feeling is mutual. But sometimes as true as these feelings might seem, with some people it turns out to be no more than an illusion. Not neccessarily because one of the two is lying, or pretending but simply because human beings seem to be very good at not understanding one another, or not caring to understand.
I am not a conflict person. By that I mean that I often try to ignore problems, instead of dealing with all the difficulties that arise when you decide to solve them. The problem with this is that while the conscious mind may succeed in persuading itself that a certain problem does not exist, the subconscious mind never manages to do so. And so, as a psychologist might tell you, all these unresolved issues pile up in ones subconsciousness. This occasionally results in emotional meltdowns. This portrays itself as outbursts of strong, usually negative emotions that rarely have a solid foundation... in other words... you lose it for no reason whatsoever.
This, in itself, would not be a problem. I mean, everyone has to blow of some steam sooner or later in one way or another. The problem arises in the fact that I generally don't lash out in private, or over random people but around people that I care about and that supposedly care about me, hoping that they would manage to understand, and believing that, unlike random people, they wouldn't bail out while I go through these painful moments.
Painfully enough, it seems impossible to find someone that understands. Even when you try your best to explain your predicament. So, more or less all the time, what people percieve is a generally acceptable person (meaning myself) ranting over some rediculously pointless issue.
The climax of this whole thing is that no matter how much someone claims to care about you, sooner or later, they grow weary of putting up with these outbursts and the discomfort that they are put through by them. In other words, you manage to hurt people you care about most and alienate them in a way you never thought possible, that being the last thing you ever wanted.
So basically, you grow fond of someone and perhaps even develop romantic feelings towards them. And while in the begining of a relationship you reveal what you believe to be your strengths to someone, in time, as you learn to trust someone, you open up your weaknesses as well, hoping they will be accepted along with your strenghts. The problem is, that the relationship gains a great deal of its momentum based solely on the strenghts of the people involved and often enough it seems to lose all that momentum once the weaknesses begin revealing themselves.
I find one of the most difficult situations to deal with in life to be when you have faith in the fact that someone seems to know you, understand you and care about you enough to complement you (by that I mean, thriving on your strenghts but at the same time being able to deal with your weaknesses and through that help you out through your downs) and be complemented by you and then realising that all that faith seems to have been wildly naive.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that just like most people do, I am trying to find someone that I'll be able to make happy and will be able to make me happy and at the same time know the difference between me bitching at the spoon being in the fork drawer because I am actually bothered by it and me bitching at the spoon being in the fork drawer because I am troubled by other things, those other things sometimes being hard to understand and put a finger on even by myself.
The thing that I fear while pondering about this is that because of going through this cycle of trust and ultimately alienation so many times, I might have lost the naiveness and faith it takes to open myself completely to someone, giving that someone a chance to prove their words. I fear that I thus might have that special someone right in front of my nose but am failing to see it.
Hopefully, at some point, I will learn to cope with conflict situations better than I do now. Hopefully, I will eventually manage to channel my subconscious furstrations in ways that won't hurt other people.
Hopefully, at some point, as a result of those two, I eventually won't have any frustrations left to chanel and I'll just be able to be the awesome person I generally am.
